A Letter to Justin Bieber
and a breakdown of other recent sartorial moments that concern me...
Dear Justin,
I have always been a fan. Maybe not a super fan as some of your, ‘Baby, baby, oooo’ lyrics left me in a mental circle of despair, but a fan nonetheless. Your career has gone from hair-flicking high to super high, no matter what hideous croc or hoodie or slop and sock you have worn. And for that I commend you. It’s not everyone who can get away with wearing an oversized Balenciaga suit and pink beanie to the Grammys. And some orthopedic-style crocs to match. That takes some balls. Or maybe you decided to work with a blind stylist I’m not sure. Either way I’ve never had an issue with you doing you. Or whatever confused version of yourself you are currently living.
But enough. I cannot stand by and let you ruin the paparazi photos of your gorgeous wife with your sartorial mistakes. And yes JB, I have to call them mistakes. Because when you look like you are going to a toddler convention while your wife is glammed up to the nines for her b-grade business launch I cannot just stand by and let it happen.
Imagine you are launching your own business. You are FINALLY stepping out after years of hard work being made to wear skimpy bikinis on modelling jobs with little pay (lol) and zero creative control. Your face is all over times square and you have been primping all day to head off to Krispy Kreme to smack your gooey lips and take pics of strawberry glazed doughnuts. It’s your time to shine! But no Justin, Hailey couldn’t shine. You know why? Because you stole the show. You decided to wear your pajamas out to her big day. Why Justin WHY? Did your stylist tell you that zipping up your hoodie over your face and putting a pink cap on over it was a good idea? Were your yellow crocs a practical joke? Did you want to upstage Hailey? Are you jealous of her? Or did you two have a fight before you left and you thought ‘let me ruin her big moment by looking like a homeless crackhead on my way to get milk’.
Whatever the reason - it.is.not.okay. She does not look impressed and neither am I. Not that you should care, but as you set an example to countless men everywhere I have to step in and give my 2 cents. Because you see dear Justin, whatever the reason for your ridiculousness you chose to do this at your wife’s expense. We aren’t talking about her Rhode glazed lip doughnu—-sorry I can’t actually remember what she was there for - we are talking about you. And that is not okay. Stealing the limelight for whatever reason is not okay. Especially when she’s gone to so much effort and is looking bodice rippingly beautiful in her little red minidress. She has made every effort and you my friend are derailing her in a display of juvenial attention-seeking behaviour that makes me think you aren’t the god loving, good boy you make yourself out to be. Aside from the fact that you look ridiculous, it’s your thought process around what your role should be at this event that baffles me.
Did Hails ask you to look like a pimp? Or to take attention away from her because she was nervous? Did your management team tell you that you are losing market share because you haven’t been putting out any music and you better do something drastic to recoup? Please share your thoughts and maybe, just maybe I could get onboard and forgive you. And I realise you aren’t a George and Amal. But right now? I’m horrified at your lack of spousal support and the damage it inflicts on hard fought narratives of gender equality and marriage troupes of primary and secondary partners. And side note - you like like a right idiot. That’s all.
Yours Sincerely,
A Concerned Fan
Julia and Too Much Julia…
Honestly I just can’t with this chick. WHYYYYYYY. Firstly why is Naomi Campbell partnering with Pretty Little Thing? Talk about brand damage, they must have thrown a treasure chest of diamonds at her. But that’s another rabbit hole. This outfit was the one capturing all the media attention at the launch of the collection. I guess I’m feeding the frenzy, but I would like to caption this look by saying next season she will be naked. Mark my words - nudity is a trend to watch for Spring/Summer 2024.
Apparently Less is More
On the other side of the pond Emma Corrin stepped out pant-less at the Venice Film Festival. With the SAG and WGA strikes entering their third month, celebrities are thin on the ground. So Emma as lovely as it is to see you out and about, you don’t need to make any more of a statement. Pants on next time please babe, you make me cold.